Welcome to the next instalment of our “Unmasking Autism” series, where we highlight some of the major themes from our recent “Ask Us Anything” webinar event. We have covered language, disclosure and, in our last article, autistic masking. One of the motivations behind this event and series was to get people to ask uncomfortable questions in a judgement-free zone so that we can dispel myths and stereotypes about autism. In this article, we address a common myth about autistic people being anti-social or rude.
Jean-Julien: This question makes me laugh a lot. I invite you to come to our social events at Auticon to realize that we are very social people. It’s just that the way we interact is more direct and less beating around the bush. Perhaps we are not as strong at small talk, which may give the impression that we’re a bit on the sidelines. However, to pick up on masking, sometimes I don’t know what to say or contribute to these social exchanges, so I stay silent.
It’s not that I don’t like people; it’s just that what they say may not be interesting to me, and in my cerebral wiring, something may be missing to ignite a connection for me. So it’s not that I’m rejecting it; it’s just that there’s no connection with this type of situation.
On the other hand, I have fascinating discussions with my colleagues on completely crazy subjects, from astrophysics and scuba diving to travel and TV series. It may be complicated for me to have an ongoing conversation, because interest will focus on specific elements of a conversation, but not on a continuous stream of conversation.
So sometimes, in fact, people say, “Are you listening to what I’m saying?” Yes, I’m listening. It’s just that what you’re saying to me, I’ve got nothing to add or contribute. People can misinterpret that as not being interested in the conversation. But no, it’s not that. It’s just that I have nothing relevant to add. Also, to be honest, I find it difficult in certain very noisy environments when there are several conversations going on. Let me give you an example.
My wife and I go to restaurants from time to time, and we like it a lot, but she gets frustrated sometimes because I can listen to the conversation going on at the other end of the room,
but not necessarily to what my wife is saying to me. So, it takes all my effort to concentrate, and I love my wife and what she’s saying is interesting but my attention is directed towards a thousand and one other discussions that feed my conversation with my wife.
But it’s to give you an illustration sometimes of how we can seem anti-social but we’re not at all, it’s just that our focus, our sensory mode of functioning may not be adequate for linear communication, and so it can lead to this type of conclusion, but rest assured, on the contrary, we’re eager to talk.
We love to have these conversations, but sometimes we pick up and notice later, that’s how we work.
Tonie: Jean-Julien spoke quite a bit about the idea that autistic people are not anti-social but rather that being social might look a little bit different for many autistic folks, and that the sensory environment can pull attention and may prohibit from engaging what someone might think of as a typical social interaction.
I would also say social interactions are different, not deficient – which is often how autistic people are perceived. You may see an autistic person in a nightmare of a sensory environment looking like they don’t want to be there or that they’re not having a great time. But I can also say that probably everyone has attended an event and not want to be there for sensory things – you’re tired that day, you have work to do or whatever it may be. We all experience different levels of desire for social connection. I don’t think there’s something specific about autistic people that makes autistic people inherently not have a desire to socialize. That has not been my experience. Also, no two autistic people are the same.
I want to share a fascinating study by autistic researcher Damian Milton on the “double empathy problem.” He ran a study and had a group of autistic folks and a group of non-autistic folks play the game Broken Telephone. In the group, a person is given a piece of information said in their ear, and they say it to the person next to them, and it continues in a circle. The point of the game is to ideally have the person receive a message as close to the first one as possible.
Both individual groups did great. However, when they mixed the groups, things fell apart.
What that study showed us, and there have been many studies since that have built on this, is that autistic folks communicate differently. They communicate with each other very well because, essentially, we’re sort of speaking the same language. It’s information transfer, it’s direct, and arguably it’s more based on precision and accuracy of the information, rather than
relaying an emotion or using body language or other things to convey meaning. The other non-autistic group had the same or similar communication style and was also effective.
What that told us is that when we mix and we have a neurodiverse group, where we have lots of
different ways of thinking and approaching things, we tend to struggle to connect. It also brought to light that, while autistic folks are coached and taught on an ongoing basis to build the skills to be able to communicate with folks who are not autistic, that isn’t necessarily reciprocated by the rest of the population.
This is the reason it’s called the double empathy problem: As an autistic person, I’m working very, very hard to understand what the non-autistic person may be conveying to me. However, that effort is not always reciprocated.
Rude or direct?
Tonie: Often, autistic people are perceived as rude, and I would say, especially in the workplace, we hear this a lot. We make a lot of assumptions about what is a difference in communication styles. So, when we have a non-autistic person and an autistic person communicating, we know that non-autistic folks tend to rely on body language and tone to convey meaning. How I say something and the tone I use are part of the message that I am communicating.
However, many autistic folks tend to communicate with a focus on the information they need to convey. So, you’re receiving direct communication that it has all the words, rather than needing to listen to my tone. I’m not attaching any meaning to my tone. However, the non-autistic person who’s receiving my communication is attaching assumptions to my tone based on how they communicate. And that’s sort of where we come into the double empathy problem: I’ve been told as an autistic person that tone is an essential piece of communication in the non-autistic world. I have had to learn, manage, and understand that it has an impact.
However, the same awareness and intention that autistic people are often required in these sorts of communications isn’t matched the other way. In this case, let’s say I’m received as rude, but the other person, for example, my manager, who perceives me as rude, is not necessarily making the effort to understand that I don’t attach meaning to tone the same way they do. We have a disconnect because we’re not acknowledging we think differently.
Making assumptions about people’s intentions is difficult when we come from diverse perspectives. In the next part of our series, Tonie and Jean-Julien will share common challenges autistic people face at work.
In our next article, Tonie and Jean-Julien will share their thoughts on the challenges autistic people face in the workplace.
In the meantime, you can watch the full webinar on-demand here.
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